The 15th season of the MGM Tour opened with 1 less tournament as the Manhattan Beach Championship, which ran for 8 years, folded due to sagging attendance. The 2017 season produced only 5 different winners, the lowest number in Tour history. Doug Vargas led all with 3 victories, while 2-time winner and newly crowned Tour Champion Gerry Vaughan won Player of the Year for the first time since 2010. This season also saw 4 golfers hit the century mark in career starts.
With the season start a month away, a convalescing John Frost took commencement of the 2017 season into his own hands (or words as it were):
“Regarding Tim, Gerry, and somebody named Rene: These winless streaks are heartbreaking. You would think that if you’re going to do something (in this case, golf), you have enough respect for yourself and your family name to at least try. Why even show up if you know you’re going to fail? Regarding John Mann: It seems he only shows up 50% of the time as he’s too busy for “golf”. I don’t get it really, the guy can carry a pretty good game at times, even when he’s not cheating. We’ll see what happens with him this year, but he likely won’t show up for enough games to be any sort of contender.”
Rene Quiroz: Did Trump just hijack Frost’s email account?
John Mann: Sounds like Frost is still high on hip morphine.
Armen Grigorian: Is it even fair that Frost [will play] with a bionic hip now? What are the Tour rules on aftermarket body parts?
February…
Sporting new clubs in the 85th start of his career, Gerry Vaughan became just the 2nd 3-time winner of the Charly Classic, joining Clint Crump with that distinction. The victory ended the 3rd longest winless streak at 38. Vaughan’s last victory came at the 2011 Charly Classic. Armen Grigorian made the 100th start of his career.
1. Vaughan
T2. Crump
T2. Moawad
T2. W. Vargas
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“I know you like to push the endurance of athletes on the Tour to overcome the challenges of severe weather, early tee times, and a stubborn adherence to the rules, but they are predicting a shit ton of rain Friday/Saturday. Should we shoot for Sunday instead?” -Gerry Vaughan to the Tour Commissioner
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“SWEET!!!! That is the least favorite part of the Tour for me. We are above that in my opinion.
I can’t wait!”
-Walter Vargas responding to the cancellation of the mini-golf portion due to weather
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“What? Mini-golf is flooded out? Should we bowl-for-strokes ahead of [Whitsett] instead?”
-Gerry Vaughan
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“Gerry’s won this 3 times and he still has a better handicap than us?”
-Walter Vargas following Gerry Vaughan’s victory.
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“I might go in and get my hip replaced.”
-Walter Vargas, on the 7th hole, after John Frost’s 2nd par in a row. Frost was making his first start after hip replacement surgery.
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“I don’t know how I feel about that. I tied a guy with a fucked-up hip.”
-Patrick Bird on finishing T-6th with John Frost.
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“Well, the Cubs won the world series last year.”
-Patrick Bird on Gerry Vaughan ending the Tour’s 3rd longest winless streak at 38.
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March…
The finals in this year’s Match Play Invitational were played under a steady, light rain and saw Chris Moawad claim his second match play title, and first in 9 years. His 8th win tied him with Armen Grigorian for most major titles. P-Jay Fidler finished runner-up for the 2nd time in his career. Defending champion Ed Quiroz dropped his quarterfinal match in dramatic fashion after Fidler sunk a 15-foot putt from off the green in their sudden death playoff.
1. Moawad
2. Fidler
T3. Crump
T3. W. Vargas
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“I told him you were making us play at 7:45 on Sunday, and he wasn’t very happy about it. Looks like you’re on thin ice Willy J, and the heat might be getting turned up from below. Just saying.” –Patrick Bird
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Bird: (after arriving to the course): I forgot to brush my teeth.
Doug: I do that every round.
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“I just don’t think of Gerry as a winner.”
-John Frost explaining how he had already forgotten Gerry Vaughan had won the Charly Classic just 2 weeks ago.
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“I thought this was supposed to be fun.”
-Walter Vargas after Chris Moawad sank a long putt on the 2nd hole to go 2-UP in their semi-final match.
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“Now I can lose with a little dignity.”
-Walter Vargas after halving the 5th hole against Chris Moawad to avoid a 5-hole sweep.
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“[They’re] tears from my fuckin’ eyes.”
-Walter Vargas’s response to Tim Joe after Joe commented the rain had begun.
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Nothin huh? Not sure if it’s my schtick that’s getting stale, lame, and no fun, or just you old bastards that are becoming stale, lame and no fun. No witty banter? No idol threats? No loving insults? No exaggerated boasts? No comparisons to bodily functions? What gives??
As Trump would tweet: “Very sad!”
Happy St. Patty’s bitches
-Patrick Bird on the apparent indifference amongst Tour members
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March continued…
Ed Quiroz, in only his 2nd career Survivor start, finished last man standing, becoming just the 5th different winner in the tournament’s 12-year history. Quiroz defeated Gerry Vaughan who was hoping to celebrate the 10th anniversary of his one Survivor victory with another. Just 1 playoff was played in this year’s tournament, a record. Clint Crump and Patrick Bird made the 100th start of their Tour careers, while Doug Vargas’s absence represented the last tournament he had yet to miss.
1. Quiroz
2. Vaughan
3. Frost
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“Since I probably won’t be there at the end…Congrats Chris! or Congrats Walter! Well played Sir.”
-Patrick Bird
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“Chris Moawad is a real jerk. He’s just showing off.”
-Gerry Vaughan after Moawad landed his tee shot on the 2nd hole.
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“Don’t you have to play more than 2 holes to qualify? 99.2”
-Clint Crump on playing his 100th career tournament but being the 2nd man out.
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“It’s the only way we’re gonna win, Chris gets hit by a foul ball.”
-John Frost as a group of kids played baseball adjacent to the course.
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“Bird will be happy about the prophecy. He kept mentioning it to me.”
-Chris Moawad following his elimination, once again, in an odd-numbered year. Since 2012 he has alternated victories in even numbered years with eliminations in odd numbered years.
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Ed: Glad Chris went home.
Gerry: Yea, we were all glad Chris went home early.
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“I wish Rene!!”
-Walter Vargas after reading the headline ‘Quiroz Wins Survivor’.
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April…
Playing Devil Ball for just the 2nd time in the last 6 years, Doug Vargas won for a 2nd time, 8 years after his first Devil Ball victory. Clint Crump recorded the 2nd eagle in tournament history when he holed out from 45 yards. 2-time champion Patrick Bird missed the tournament for the first time, while Walter Vargas’s absence marked the final tournament he had yet to miss.
1. D. Vargas
T2. Witt
T2. Vaughan
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“Do you guys sell Advil?”
-Doug Vargas to the starter
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“I hope it wasn’t that hot dog because I had one too.”
-Chris Moawad, on the 10th tee, following teammate Clint Crump’s poor tee shot.
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“It finally happened…Clint actually BECAME a squirrel. Can he still play?”
-Patrick Bird
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“That devil ball likes to follow trees.”
-Ed Quiroz
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“He’s literally investing in his game.”
-Chris Moawad after Gerry Vaughan contemplated buying a new pair of golf shoes from the sale rack.
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“I thought we would have to dig a hole for [him].”
-Clint Crump on Tim Joe whose condition deteriorated throughout the round due to illness.
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“Am I off the Tour? I wanted to see a big fat zero in the standings and I’m not even listed. Ouch.”
-John Mann, who had yet to play in 2017, on the Player of the Year standings following Devil Ball
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4 Masters spots were available to 5 golfers this year, but after Patrick Bird forgot to show up for his night of the qualifier, his disqualification made the 2nd night featuring the remaining golfers unnecessary.
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Frost plays his qualifying round solo after Bird forgets to show up. Frost though, would end up not playing the Masters, opening up a spot for Bird after all.
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“Can’t we fly Stolz back instead?”
-Gerry Vaughan upon hearing Patrick Bird would replace John Frost as an alternate at the Masters.
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The first half of the 2017 season concludes…