The 2014 MGM Tour season may go down as one of the more memorable and not only because 4 new babies we were welcomed into the fold. It saw Travois Gordón’s extraordinary season and first Player of the Year win, the first hole-in-one in Tour history (provided by Chris Moawad), charter member Martin Witt end a long winless streak with a win in the season-ending Tour Championship, and John Frost finally win his daughter’s tournament.
January…
Defending champion Doug Vargas won a shortened Manhattan Beach Championship, giving him a record 3rd win in the last 4 seasons at the season opener. But it was the Tour Commissioner who drew the ire of the field, not only for shortening the tournament to a single round (due to a crowded course), but also for his decision to not penalize Vargas for arriving late.
1. D. Vargas
2. W. Vargas
T3. Moawad
T3. Grigorian
T3. T. Joe
“We’re the only 3 that get to keep our handicaps because we’re [on time].
It’s too bad one of us is Chris Moawad.”
-John Frost
“You get married and you drop out. Look at Armen.”
-P-Jay Fidler to Travois Gordón after Gordón remarked how many tournaments he missed last year
“It’s tainted but I’ll take the victory for sure.”
-Doug Vargas on not being penalized for being late and winning an abbreviated Manhattan Beach Championship.
“There’s going to be an asterisk by his name. He’s a paper champ.”
-Walter Vargas on his brother’s win
“Maybe we should just forgo the golf from now on and just go eat lunch, and get together like a bunch of old, pussy ass’d, fuckin’ broke down senior citizens.”
-Patrick Bird on the decision to shorten the round in favor of eating lunch.
“Hey guys, I think someone forgot to post the part of the story about that GREAAAAT come from behind win! I mean that was some legendary stuff and a classic move by a talented MGM Grand Tour golfer!! Oh, wait, I guess we killed that amazing story before it even had a chance to get written. How sad. I guess it was a pretty good burger though. Also saddening is that a small group of girls are a greater deterrent to the Tour than freezing rain. From now on I say “Nut up or shut up boys!” If the fire get’s too hot, throw your clubs in the car, leave early and forfeit.”
–Patrick Bird
“You open it up for anarchy now. There’s gonna be no adherence to the rules. Not only did [Doug] not get penalized, he didn’t get penalized and won the tournament because of it. I think it’s a sad day for the tournament.”
-Gerry Vaughan
“Once again the commissioner shows that rules are only enforced for other people, and certain people, you know, get away with stuff. The commissioner is kinda gutless.”
-Clint Crump on Doug Vargas avoiding a penalty for late arrival
“Well, because it’s Doug I think it’s a travesty. I think it’s terrible. If it’s me, well, you know, it’s not so bad. It’s alright.”
-John Frost, who has benefited in the past from the non-enforcement of the rule.
“Look, if it was Rene or me and that happened, I’d be like hey, yea, let it pass man because we don’t win. Vargas, he wins every fuckin’ other tournament. Fuck him dude.”
–Martin Witt on Doug Vargas not being penalized
“I have 3 goals every season. To win every tournament I enter, to play as best as I can, and to hang out and enjoy [the time with] these fine men that I play with.”
-Doug Vargas
February…
After 8 years, John Frost finally won his daughter’s namesake tournament, defeating, of all people, defending champion Patrick Bird. The two played only the 2nd playoff in tournament history.
1. Frost
2. Bird
T3. Crump
T3. D. Vargas
“Wasn’t there a tournament where you got to drop your worst hole?”
–Gerry Vaughan, whose otherwise decent scorecard was marred by an 8 on the first hole.
“We don’t count the time he went home early.”
-Chris Moawad after Gerry Vaughan, on the first tee, was announced as a 2-time winner of the Charly Invitational.
“They call that the Aztec Swirl.”
–John Mann
“I went out drinking with some young guys, trying to keep up with them. I’m really hung over right now. I’m feeling my age. I can’t even argue [with the commissioner] the way I want to.”
-Walter Vargas, who has always been at odds with the commissioner with handicaps at the Charly.
“That’s gonna change today.”
-Walter Vargas when told he was one of only 3 golfers never to have shot a 40+ round at Whitsett. Vargas would shoot 42.
“Not until Moawad said ‘fuckin son-of-a-bitch’ in front of the kid.”
-Patrick Bird to Tim Joe after Joe asked if there were any fireworks on the last hole of mini-golf.
“It’s a win already. I could care less about the tourny right now”
-New Jersey native Gerry Vaughan when asked if the new menu item, pork roll, was a good omen.
“It was a real treat to come here and find they’ve added pork roll sandwich on the menu. I asked for it with an egg. It worked out perfectly. So it’s pork roll, egg, and cheese. We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see how it sits in the stomach. It may propel me to victory, it may drag me down to defeat, I don’t know.”
-Patrick Bird, who would tie his career best round (34) but lose on a tie-break in the single hole playoff.
“For his child’s love!”
-Doug Vargas on hearing John Frost would be playing for the win
“I’d rather have a million other scenarios
but it is what it is.”
-Defending champion Patrick Bird on having to face John Frost in a playoff
“It was very fitting to sort of put that in his face because he’s been rather rude about it all week long at the office telling people, talking shit. His normal stuff, but he was in hyper mode this week talking all kinds of crap.”
-John Frost on winning the playoff and tournament over defending champion Patrick Bird.
March…
After 3 runner-up finishes in his last 4 Hooters starts, Travois Gordón won his first Hooters Championship. The win came after he announced to the Tour he was going to be a father for the first time. His teammate, Armen Grigorian, another expectant dad, won his 3rd Hooters.
1. Gordón/Grigorian
2. W. Vargas/Fidler
3. D. Vargas/E. Quiroz
“Why do you have to suck the joy out of these tournaments with ungodly early arrival times?”
-Patrick Bird on the 7:40AM check-in time.
“What makes you think things are going to go south today? Frost and I have just been playing fantastic golf as of late. We both just came in 1 and 2 in the last tournament. I fully suspect that we’re gonna run away with this thing today.”
-Patrick Bird when asked if things went south, who would cast the first stone between him and fellow defending champion John Frost. The pair would finish 5th out of 6 teams.
“What?! Wow! Amazing my wife let me out 70 times.”
-Doug Vargas when told he was making his 70th career Tour start.
“I thought you were A-holes.”
-Chris Moawad after Doug Vargas told partner Ed Quiroz he would be the odd holes and Ed, the even holes.
“Maybe Bird’s playing a little worse than me but it’s not worth mentioning how much suckier that he is than I already suck.”
-Defending champion John Frost, with his team clearly out of contention, when asked if he or Bird was playing particularly worse than the other.
“Nicely done fellas. And now when your daughters get a job at Hooters, you can tell ’em you won the Hooters’ Tournament way back when!”
-Patrick Bird to winners Armen Grigorian and Travois Gordón
March Continued…
Travois Gordón shocked the Tour not only for winning the Match Play Invitational (the first Major of his career) but also by how he did it. With an unprecedented show of dominance Gordón failed to drop a single hole in both the Semi-Finals and Finals. A career 0-3 against 5-time champion Armen Grigorian, he denied Grigorian a record 6th win after defeating him in the Finals.
1. Gordón
2. Grigorian
T3. Vaughan
T3. W. Vargas
“I’m a little deflated. My kids as I was leaving the door, they’re like ‘Daddy lose! Daddy lose! We want you here tomorrow. Daddy lose!’ Thanks for the pep talk.”
-Defending champion Doug Vargas on his title defense.
“Yea, I almost got punched in the face.”
-John Frost when asked if he remembered his match against Walter Vargas in 2011
John Mann: You look like an Icelandic fisherman.
Vaughan: I feel like I’m up early enough.
“It’s a valiant effort, but you can’t fight history.”
-Clint Crump, unbeaten in the first round, to his opponent Tim Joe after the 7th hole in which he went 2-Up. Crump would eventually lose to Joe in a playoff.
“John won the 7th hole, so going into the 8th he just needed to win that one [to square the match]. I could already feel myself getting a little nervous and that never helps.”
-P-Jay Fidler who won the 8th and defeated John Mann 2and1.
“He was trying to distract me, calling me a fag. You know, he likes to lose with all sorts of class.”
-Travois Gordón recounting his 1st round match with Patrick Bird
“Even silk has shit stains.”
-Chris Moawad after Tim Joe praised Gerry Vaughan’s first round play as ‘smooth as silk’.
“Let’s go. I know it’s your birdie putt and all…”
-P-Jay Fidler to a distracted Armen Grigorian unaware it was his turn to putt.
“Can we put one of those silence of the lambs masks on Armen to shut him up?”
-Walter Vargas watching Armen Grigorian in the distance holding up play by talking.
“My confidence is still there, it’s always been there. I just need another chance to come through, and I think I will.”
–Ed Quiroz, after his match play debut and 2and1 loss to Chris Moawad.
“Sure. I’m just gonna have to take it out on them when I get back. And that’s the end of that.”
-Defending champion Doug Vargas who lost in his first match, when asked if his daughters’ desire for him to lose played any role in his play.
“I almost passed out up there.”
-Walter Vargas following his tee shot on the first hole of his quarterfinal match against Chris Moawad
“Yea, it’s like a 6th straight having to come out on a Sunday and lose and go home without the trophy.”
-Gerry Vaughan when told that with a quarterfinal win against Tim Joe he would be going to his 6th straight Final Four.
“I was down 2 holes, I thought to myself, it’s not over.”
-Walter Vargas on winning the final 4 holes in his quarterfinal match against Chris Moawad. It was Vargas’s first career win over Moawad.
“I think it was my 8-iron.”
-P-Jay Fidler, who lost 2-down, when asked if it was pressure that got to him the final 2 holes against Armen Grigorian. The 2 were all square with 2 holes to play.
“Losing to Doug would be acceptable. Losing to Travois would be, you know, that would be tough to [take]. I gotta wait a whole year to redeem myself.”
-Gerry Vaughan when asked if he had preference on his semi-final opponent.
“The field just gets tougher every year. You just got to be on your game. You gotta hit the greens and you can’t give up those strokes.”
-Former winner Chris Moawad on losing in the quarterfinals for the 2nd year in a row.
“Feels weird and strange being out here on a Sunday, but somehow right.”
-Travois Gordón on his first Sunday appearance in Match Play.
“I actually don’t feel the pressure because I’m the seed that wasn’t supposed to be here, so frankly it’s pressure on everyone else.”
-Travois Gordón when asked if he felt nervous playing in his first Final Four.
“Oh I don’t know, whatever’s on sale at Costco.”
-Armen Grigorian after his terrific tee shot had opponent Walter Vargas asking what type of ball he uses.
“Glad I took a prilosec.”
-Armen Grigorian after winning the 7th hole to go 1-up against Walter Vargas in the semi-finals
“Holy shit!!! Vaughan folds like a chair??”
-Doug Vargas on news of Gerry Vaughan’s semi-final loss to Travois Gordón
“I think after the semi-final round I had they have been served notice.”
-Travois Gordón on potential Finals opponents Armen Grigorian or Walter Vargas
“Noooo! Wally sucks at avenging the Vargas honor!”
-Doug Vargas on news of Walter Vargas’s semi-final loss to Armen Grigorian
“But never in the Finals.”
-Travois Gordón’s response after being told he was a career 0-3 against Armen Grigorian
“Sad. One time 3-in-a-row winner gone soft. I knew Grigore would roll over to Travois.”
-Patrick Bird on Armen Grigorian’s decisive loss to Travois Gordón
“It would have been fun to play Walter, but clearly he didn’t do his job.”
– Travois Gordón following his win over Armen Grigorian in the finals
“Nicely done Travis! Say goodbye to your handicap strokes.”
-Chris Moawad following Gordón’s victory
Following an April Fool’s announcement that former Masters champions were no longer exempt and now had to re-qualify…
“Glad to know those who have been exempt will now get to join us in the insect and skunk infected course nestled in the scenic Monterey Park hills.”
-Rene Quiroz
“Another twist by William Joseph to increase the amount of blood in my stool. Thanks for the nervous breakdown. I don’t have enough at home.”
-Marty Witt
The Players Championship, organized by and for the Tour members, failed to get off the ground for 2014…
“Would you rather cancel the whole trip and go to brunch like a bunch of senior citizens? Break out the polyester jumpsuits!!!!”
-Chris Moawad to the still non-committed golfers for TPC
With P-Jay Fidler’s wife due to give birth to twins, the 9-year Tour veteran regretfully withdrew from the planned tournament:
Moawad: Hey P-Jay, you gotta take care of the baby momma. At least you have a valid excuse – not like these other guys.
Frost: What guys? You mean Vaginas.
Who needs the Tour?
Moawad and Vargas make it to Vegas anyway.
“MGM announces Juniors Tour!”
–Armen Grigorian on P-Jay Fidler’s twins being born (April 23)
June…
After carding a Roosevelt career best 45, John Frost won his 2nd tournament of the year, winning the Griffith Observatory Championship for the first time in his career. Defending champion Clint Crump was unable to make the tournament due to elbow tendonitis.
1. Frost
2. Mann
T3. Bird
T3. D. Vargas
T3. E. Quiroz
“I like the way this is shaping up! I wonder if Armen has to do baby stuff and can’t make it too?”
-John Frost on the news of Walter Vargas and Chris Moawad withdrawing from the tournament.
“Mom said it’d make ya go blind. In this instance, he’s just missing a couple of tournaments. Still sad.”
-Patrick Bird on defending champion Clint Crump’s withdrawal due to an injured elbow.
“He didn’t need to go to the extreme of hurting himself to avoid the inevitable.”
-Heavy Griffith favorite Travois Gordón on defending champion Clint Crump’s withdrawal.
“It’s real disappointing, especially because Travis is [getting all the publicity as]
the odd-on favorite to win.”
-Defending champion Clint Crump on not being able to defend his title due to an injured elbow.
“We call that the apple dumpling gang.”
-John Mann when told his playing group would be himself, Martin Witt, Gerry Vaughan, and Travois Gordón
“I just need to play within myself and not worry about anybody not keeping their own score, or not worry about people whiffing and not counting strokes, or taking the flagstick out before they should. If I just keep playing my own game then I shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”
-Travois Gordón, the heavy favorite heading into the Griffith Observatory Championship, on what he needed to do to win.
Patrick Bird: Please pair me with Travois. There’s no way he’s 3-peating this season or this course.
Travois Gordón: I feel insulted that Bird thinks he can be in my group.
Bird: Insulted now, embarrassed later.
(Gordón would finish last for the 2nd year in a row)
“$1? Dues augmentation? Parking lot hand jobs from the homeless guy?”
-Gerry Vaughan when asked to bring an extra dollar for the newly introduced ‘Birdie Pool’.
“He has other major things on his mind. I can tell [from the preoccupation] on Travis’s face. The way he even acknowledged me. But let’s look at it realistically. His first victory [this season] was with me so I [deserve some of the credit].”
-Armen Grigorian on heavy favorite Travois Gordón going for a 3rd win in a row and record 3rd Griffith win.
“Get ready for the stupidest hole ever created.”
-Doug Vargas to Ed Quiroz as they walked to 8th tee
“8th? Why do you do that?”
–Doug Vargas to the Tour commissioner when told the tiebreaker was the cumulative score of the 7th and 8th hole.
“I don’t wanna be one those guys that complain about handicaps, but all I’m saying is, I think my chances of winning this have just completely gone away now because I did so well today.”
–Runner-up John Mann after shooting a career-best 45
“You know what, it didn’t feel like I was playing that well. It just felt like I was doing OK, I was having fun, and then Travis at one point was like ‘Hey, you may be in this,’ and then immediately I lost my first ball.” -John Mann, who finished a career-best runner-up
“Well, he politely showed up this morning. With a broken trophy, I might add. That’s probably his way of throwing insults. That’s just the way he is. He’s an ass.”
-John Frost on winning the tournament Clint Crump could not defend due to injury.
“I’m sorry everybody had to waste their morning because I kinda knew that was gonna happen.”
-John Frost on winning the Griffith Observatory Championship
“See ya, LOSERS.”
-John Frost as he left the group
The first half of the 2014 season concludes…